If Congress Is Underpaid, Then My Fat Ass Is Ethiopian

You know what shocks me more about Congress than anything? The fact that they still manage to shock me. I mean, these people lie about wars, they steal trillions of dollars, they pass huge sweeping legislative agendas without even reading them. Surely, no amount of lunacy, depravity, or downright evil that drips from their filthy fucking mouths should come as a surprise. Yet, every once in awhile, one of them manages to make me double check that what I’m reading isn’t a spoof. Every so often, you hear something so completely and utterly ridiculous, that you tell yourself “No fucking way he said that”.

Virginia Democrat James P. Moran
Virginia Democrat James P. Moran

That’s exactly what just happened to me when I heard Virginia Democrat James P. Moran make the claim that $174k just wasn’t enough for members of the US House of Representatives to live off of. Oh, those poor, downtrodden masters of the fucking universe with their pittance of 3.8 times the median US income, before they accept a single bribe. Cry me a fucking river.

Moran says Congress is the “board of directors for the largest economic entity in the world” and for this reason, they must be better compensated. What Moran fails to recognize is, the fact that the US Government moves so much money, is exactly the reason he and all his colleagues should be not only fired, but strung up like horse thieves in a public celebration, while Lee Greenwood plays “God Bless The USA” and revolutionary war reenactors in tricorner hats fire muskets.

The issue is not that Congress “under performs”, quite the contrary, actually. You do too much! You murder, kidnap, rob, and assault, way too many people. You interfere in every aspect of our lives. The intrusions are wholly unwelcomed, and many of us are realizing that far from giving you a fucking raise, far from even replacing you, the answer to this problem is to eliminate your positions altogether.

By all means, Rep. Moran, if you feel under appreciated, feel free to submit your resignation. I’m really interested to see where in the private sector you can make this kind of money. I mean, surely with a resume displaying such expertise in high demand fields like deception, murder, mayhem, theft, pontificating, and self important douchebaggery, employers will just be clamoring over one another to acquire your services, you out of touch megalomaniac.


Christopher Cantwell comedian, writer, voice artist, and Patriot.

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