I’ve got some issues. Some more serious than others, but all worth addressing. I’m trying to solve these problems, and this article actually started off as talking about how I was doing that. However, I realized I was about a thousand words into it before I had even begun to tackle the solutions. So I figured this would make a fine piece of its own that I can reference in future articles.
If you’re a regular reader, and this seems repetitive, feel free to skip it. The point here is more to give a reference for new readers as I start talking more about health & wellness issues, nootropics, supplements, fitness and relationships. Subjects which you’ll soon see a lot more of here.
I’ve struggled with insomnia for my entire life. Even when I was a young child, bedtime was always a problem in my house. My mother and father would demand that I go to sleep, and I just plain wasn’t capable of doing it. I’d lay in bed for hours in the dark in absolute misery because my brain just wouldn’t shut off.
In my teens I discovered alcohol and marijuana. Aside from the recreational enjoyment of these drugs and the social benefits I enjoyed from using them, I absolutely fell in love with the ability to lose consciousness at the end of the night.
My sleep issues are with me to this day, which happens to be my 34th birthday. Valerian root,chamomile, and melatonin have never been enough to get me to sleep. I had some luck with Lunesta, and later on with Ambien, but ultimately the controlled legal status of these substances made them far too expensive and hard for me to obtain. Ambien also became a recreational drug for me once I realized I could get high by taking it and staying awake.
Which leads us to;
Whatever the causes, I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic. I stopped enjoying marijuana at some point in my late teens, but alcohol has always been with me, and I spent a few years in a love affair with cocaine. I went from drinking with friends a few times a week, to spending ridiculous amounts of money in bars every night, to drinking by myself in front of the computer and waking up on the floor. I went from snorting some coke once in awhile with friends, to injecting myself with it over and over again in solitude.
The cocaine wasn’t hard to get away from. I just stopped hanging out with people who did coke on a regular basis and between the removal of temptation and the insane expense of the drug, I was pretty much able to walk away from it. I still have trouble saying no to it when it is offered, but I tend to avoid putting myself in situations where that is likely. The social acceptability of alcohol, its low cost, and readily available nature made this far harder to escape. There’s no shortage of studies on the heavily addicting nature of alcohol, of course.
In any case, for the last decade or more, I’ve been a very heavy drinker. I get a few weeks or months of sobriety, I begin drinking responsibly for a few more weeks or months, but eventually it always turns back into an every night blackout situation.
Eventually I began to have trouble sleeping even with alcohol, and I began taking diphenhydramine (Benadryl) with my alcohol to get to sleep. This is an extraordinarily strong cocktail that some have even attempted to use as a date rape drug. Loss of consciousness becomes completely involuntary, it does a real number on the liver, and the hangovers are excruciating.
To put it lightly, I’ve got issues with women. Some of them are pretty well reasoned and logical, others are the completely irrational result of traumatic relationships of the past. This is not helped by the fact that I have an unusually high sex drive, and place too high a priority on my ability to satisfy a woman sexually, as a measurement of my self worth.
I engage in risky promiscuous sexual activity, and get myself into relationships with damaged hypersexual women as a result. When things go bad, they go scorched earth bad, and I’m left reeling from the experience every time. Those experiences cause me to keep a safe emotional distance from my sexual partners, and this has its own problems.
About 5 years ago I really let myself go. Not that I was ever much of an athlete or health nut, but I really stopped taking into consideration what effect my diet and lifestyle would have on my body. A career that largely involved sitting in front of a computer, a drinking habit, and frequent stops at fast food drive throughs eventually got me up over 260lbs. I’m 6′ tall and have some decent muscle mass, but I really shouldn’t be a pound over 220.
I could go on about this at some length, but suffice to say, I came to New Hampshire with a business plan that would allow me to focus more on my writing and video production as a career. I sank all the money I had saved into that investment, and the investment went bust. I’m left with little more than a car, some furniture, and some electronic equipment. My effort to make a career out of content production is still on track, but it is in jeopardy.
How I’m Trying to Address These Problems
What you just read is not a pity party or me feeling sorry for myself or bitching. It’s an honest self assessment that I’ve decided to share publicly. I’m trying to solve these problems, I imagine I’m not the only one suffering from these issues, and I figure it could make an interesting story that might help others.
I’ve written about this a little bit in the past, and will write about it in more detail in the future. The short summary would be that I’m a little over three weeks alcohol free at this point. I’m taking some nootropic drugs (I started with OptiMind, want a Free Trial?), and some other supplements. I’m avoiding toxic sexual and romantic situations. I’m on a strict low-no carb diet, and I’m exercising regularly.
Overall, I’m very focused on improving myself in a number of ways. This is presently my number one priority.
If I’m focused, I can produce better content more frequently. If I’m producing better and more frequent content, my financial situation will be better. If I’m in better physical shape and better off financially, I’ll have better options with women. If I’m not fucked up with women, I won’t lose focus. Wash, rinse, repeat.
With that off my chest, I’ll get to writing in more detail about how I’m helping myself, and hopefully help out some people who are having similar issues.
Subscribe via email and never miss another post!