Ankle Monitor Nationalism

After making bail in December I was placed on house arrest. I was later allowed to move about my city of residence while I await trial because the monitoring systems have come a long way in terms of technology. I knew somebody who was on house arrest back in the 90s and his device hooked up to the phone line and would scream bloody murder if he walked too close to the curb. Today it is a GPS monitor which communicates using cell towers.

Ankle Monitor Nationalism
Ankle Monitor Nationalism

After being arrested for the heinous crime of walking home from a bar, I was affixed with another ankle monitor. It’s a fascinating device called a SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor) bracelet. Every half an hour or so I feel a small vibration on my ankle and it takes a whiff of my skin to check for alcohol metabolites.

I’ve struggled with drinking on and off for years, so I was actually kinda glad to have the thing if I’m honest with ya. I actually asked my ankle cop “How much to keep this thing when this is over?”

You get used to these things after awhile, but occasionally I look down and say “You’ve gotta be goddamn kidding me”.

Today I posted the above image to Gab, and somebody who works at the place actually showed me what it looks like on their end.

I was happy to see this, because my plot had worked. They had no idea that I had tricked the monitors and been able to travel about drinking my ass off with the System none the wiser.

But then people started snitching on me.

Have you seen these ankles?


If you post a good photoshop of these to, and mention @Cantwell I’ll consider posting yours here too.

No Shoes, No Service, My Ass!


Christopher Cantwell comedian, writer, voice artist, and Patriot.